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Mum's bath time

Illustration by Jill Murphy (Five Minutes Peace)

Life has been pretty hideous in our house lately, full of snot and sick and earache. Not life or death, I know, but tedious and exhausting nonetheless. Sleepless night has followed sleepless night and my washing machine has been spinning 24/7.

So tonight, after a freezing cold school run, cooking dinner, feeding three ravenous children, cleaning up and doing the dishes, I decided what I needed was 10 minutes in a nice warm bath before the chaos of the bedtime routine kicked in. Also I have noticed that my legs are starting to resemble those of an alpha male gorilla, and for that reason alone a little "me time" was certainly required.

My husband, now home from work, was in the living room watching TV with the children and I grabbed the opportunity with both hands. I sneaked to the bathroom, shut the door and ran a deep, hot bath.

No sooner had my big toe hit the water when in came child number three.

Child 3: "you want pirate ship in your bath mummy?" He said whilst tipping cold water from his pirate ship onto my legs!

Me: "no thank you darling. I'm just having a quick bath and then I will get out and you can have a bath."

Child 3: "I get in now?"

Me: "no poppet. It's too hot and it's got bubbles, they make you itchy and even less likely to sleep tonight!"

Child 3: "you want submarine?" Whacking a heavy submarine on porcelain sink repeatedly.

Me: "No! And stop banging the sink, you'll break it!" I then shout to my husband "please can you remove this child?"

Child removed, I find the razor and look at the task ahead. In comes child number two.

Child 2: "I need the toilet!"

Me: "can you wait?"

Child 2: "NO!" Crossing her legs and her eyes!

Me: "Fine! But hurry up!"

Child three returns and pokes his head around the door.

Child 3: "Hello mummy! You want pirate ship in your bath?"

Me: "No darling, I told you, I just need a quick wash and then I'll get out!"

Meanwhile child two is straining....

Me: "Are you doing a poo?"

Child 2: "Yeeeeessssss!"

Child 3: "I need wee." He plonks himself on the potty.

Me: "for the love of God. I JUST WANTED TO WASH MY BUM!!!" (Yes I actually said that!)

Child 2: "can you wipe my bum?"

Me: "yes sweetheart, I'd like nothing more than to climb out of my warm bath to wipe your bum!"

Bum wiped I return to my bath with the words "Now wash your hands you two, and leave me alone!"

Both children wash their toilet hands in my bath. 🤢

I then take a whole minute to shave my gorilla legs before I hear fighting in the living room. Pulling the plug, I climb out of the bath and brace myself for their bath and bedtimes...almost wine o clock isn't it?

This post was first published on 28th November 2017 on Sarah and Louise - Mum's The Word facebook page.

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